A Peek Inside Martha Stewart's 1997 Calendar
Jan. 2
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan. 3
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth.
Jan. 4
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices
and cinnamon sticks.
Jan. 5
Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 6
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe
inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 7
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent
pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Jan. 8
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 9
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal
personal address books, simply cross out the names of all the
people you do not know.
Jan. 10
Finish needlepoint for colostomy cozy.
Jan. 11
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
Jan. 12
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take
verbatim notes.
Jan. 13
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives,
so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death
occurs.
Jan. 14
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener in case
tires are shot out at the mall.
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan. 16
Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
Jan. 17
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones,
fashion cat-o'-nine tails. Flog gardener.
Jan. 18
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Jan. 19
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault.
Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Jan. 20
Gild lilies.